Beaver News

HC Nilkkatulehdus saapui jälleen median eteen uuden jymyuutisen kera. Omistaja Petr Balalaikka hykerteli tyytyväisyyttä toimittajien ympäröimänä. "Nyt tarttui todellinen vonkale katiskaan rapakon takaa! Joudutte kuitenkin odottamaan vielä hetken ennen julkistusta. Nykyajan trendien mukaisesti uutinen löytyy kello 16.00 meidän twitter sekä facebook sivuilta."

"#Beavers We are pleased to welcome our new coach Francis Coddard!". Beaver News toimitus saikin ensimmäisenä yksityisoikeudella tehdä tuttavuutta juuri Bostonista Tattarinsuon Jäähallin uumeniin saapuneeseen konkariin. Kyseessä on todellinen vanhan liiton kiekkomies. Iältään 72-vuotias käskyttäjä on valmentanut lähes koko uransa AHL-liigassa, tosin suurimman osan 1970-80 luvulla. Yhteensä AHL-otteluita valmentajana on takana 1440.

Mister Coddard welcome to Finland.

-Hmph...it's more freezing than friday night in Toronto..

Yeah it is a bit cold but let's talk a little bit about your contract and your goals on this journey.

-Nothing to talk about. They paid me a hell of a lot and these sissies need to become a man...What the fuck is this place? Some kinda shitty practise arena...it even smells like crap!

No, this is the Beaver Arena, home of your team HC Nilkkatulehdus..

-You gotta be shitting me?!

Nope...oh well, what about the roster? Are you already familiar with your players?

-Yeah they are probably the most pathetic pack of boyscouts I've ever seen...seriously this organization don't need a coach, they need a fucking Mary Poppins! First thing that is going to happen...this italian motherfucker. Jesus...he needs to be taken to some fucking camp where they beat out the damn disease he have... Yeah yeah welcome to 21st century. Fuck you! This is my team, my rules and fruitcakes are either cured or dead to me.

Then this fucking wannabe star...Mister one fucking part of a period in NHL! He is exactly like all the fucking czech idiots with their curly hair and stupid jewelry. Barbershop appointment is the first thing on monday in his schedule, then becomes the gym and after that to the same fucking "man up"-camp the pastafag is going to.

Defencemen are at least some kind of players. This estonian fuckup reminds me a little bit about the old time hockey. Big man with fighting and tackling...Still he is an europlayer so he's a fucking gay too. 5-year deal with that salary...this organization is a joke. Guy can't even skate and the stick is only in his way..

Finally this fucking disgrace of a true american, Salvador Dali. What the fuck?! You have a perfectly okey name Bubba Lee and you turn yourself in some kind of retarded cartoon character and move to this asshole you motherfuckers call Finland. Yeah the dickhead isn't right from his head and he is dumb as fuck. But I can't still understand his actions. He tries to play the game like we americans do but if you are as big as o fucking house and you get beaten by some fucking swedish midgets you can actually shoot yourself... It would be a favor to the whole team. This former american is also going to the gay-camp on monday. I have a few veterans in the States I'd like to ship in this roster. I have to negotiate with the board with that matter. Probably they say "no" because you finns are so fucking loyal and borned to be fucked in the ass.

Ehm..yeah..are you going to make any changes in tactical perspective?

On my fucking long flight here I made few tactical drawings we are starting to practice after those disgrace of man motherfuckers return from their girlcamp.



-In this one opponent has the fucking puck and the left winger is attacking on his damn side. In the next picture you see how these kinda of situations were handled in my days! Old time hockey!



-As even an asswhipe like you can see, we hit with our full force against the poor ass mickey mouse. After that we do the same to the right wing dickhead. After that we drop our gloves and beat the shit out the rest of the opponent team and win the game by a fucking technical knock out! Any stupid questions?

No...not one..

Good! So where is the toilet in this shithole barn?

Tattarinsuon Aviisin toimittaja katkoo huhuilta siipiä:

"Viime aikoina useissa medioissa on hämmästelty HC Nilkkatulehduksen luottopuolustaja Salvador Dalin useita väkivaltaisia baari-iltoja eripuolilla Vantaata. Silminnäkijäkertomusten mukaan todella päihtynyt kiekkoilija on taklannut useita henkilöitä jopa paikkailtavaksi asti.

Tavoitimme joukkueen lääkärin, freelance-puoskari Heimo Kontiaisen kommentoimaan asiaa. Kontiaisen mukaan Dalin käytös ei missään nimessä ole aggressiivista tai tarkoitushakuista: "Joo kaveri on ottanu kaukalossa niin monta kertaa turpaansa että näköhän siltä on menny. Kai se joskus paranee tai en tiiä mut ku joka pelissä saa uudestaan iskua, kattokaa nyt, pandaltahan se näyttää eikä ihmiseltä! Et puolsokea tai enemmänki kai se kaveri on, vahingossa törmäilee joka paikkaan ja ihmisiin, kentällä ja kentän ulkopuolella".

Dalin kuuluisa poke-and-its-clear-pelityyli siis johtuu mahdollisista fyysisistä vajaavaisuuksista. Kontiaisen mukaan Dali yrittää vain löytää kiekkoa tai vastustajia. HC Nilkkatulehduksen johto ei suostunut kommentoimaan tilannetta enempää kuin: "Hyvä pakkihan se on!"

Tattarinsuon Aviisi toivoo Dalin pikaista paranemista"